I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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