She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
