I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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