my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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