chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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