my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
