ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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