Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Everyone says I win the strip club
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
