i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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