is your mom at the bar?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
