when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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