So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
