I want to walk on stilts...naked
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
