I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
