Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
