remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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