we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize