Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
