I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
