forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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