she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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