I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
