I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
