I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
