Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
