Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
he high fived his dick after we had sex
My feet surprised me
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize