How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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