Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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