did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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