Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
