so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
