When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
