Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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