Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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