i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
