I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
