How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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