I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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