butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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