theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
