You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
