No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
