Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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