god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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