I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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