You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
