Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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