I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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