so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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