ya dads aren't the best wingmen
look no pants
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
