If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
