thus making me awesome and them whores
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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