Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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