it's too hot outside to masturbate.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
