Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
