just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
