i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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