My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
