I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
