WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
