Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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