Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
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