So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
